My grandma's da bomb yo!

My grandmother has always been quite the cool cat. The groovy chick. The grandma from... well, you get the idea. Now, don't get it all wrong, she's no Proverbs 31 woman but on a worldly level she's just a fun person. Sometimes she means to be funny and sometimes it's an accident. But we always laugh and she laughs right with us. She's one of my favorite people in this world, definately one of the most colorful characters in my life.

So we're on the phone yesterday and she doesn't quite get the cell phone concept so she always pauses then ignores it when I tell her I'm driving or shopping or whatnot. That's great in itself. We're talking as I'm driving and I hear her yell &*$%!!! <--- enter expletive that begins with "s" here. She tells me to hold on and I hear beeping along with her yelling in the background, *#$&* #*$&(# this stupid (#*$#(* thing!!! You're such a pain in the #$#!!!!!!). She comes back to tell me that the smoke alarms always go off when she cooks. Ummm yelling at them doesn't usually make them stop. ;-) We continue talking and my phone dies. I put it on the charger and call her back and she says in an annoyed voice, "I don't know what happened, would you believe the operator cut in?! The nerve! She said 'the number I was calling was not in service to please try again', WHAT IS SHE NUTS?!?!?!" I try to stifle my laughter as my fondness for her and her grandma'isms grow. I didn't bother to tell her the operator was a recording, she wouldn't have believed me anyway.

Do you guys have a relative like this?

Negatives...

Alright so I'm at.my.wits.end tonight. I had gotten a full day of school in, prepared 3 meals plus snacks. Played with the kids, read to them, did everything that I could possibly have done and I was just plum worn out. Because ya know, kids keep taking because they just don't have empathy yet. Well, my 10yo does and my 8yo is capable of it but the 6, 4, & 2yo - not a trace of it yet. So I'm into full lecture mode in the van as we went to surprise daddy at work with a homemade grilled steak and potato dinner. I'm telling them that I'm grateful for the help they provide but that they cannot continue to take advantage and it's not fair for mom to clean up or have to yell at them to clean up their mess. I'm sure they heard blah...blah...blah... But I was done. I was ranting and raving, bordering on tears and my 10 & 8yo know enough to just shut up and listen. They have the wisdom. When I'm done talking at them my 10yo says, "Mom, you are always telling us how important it is to look at the positives in every situation. Why are you bringing so many negatives up now?". *sigh* How can you argue with that?

Later I'll write about my reflections on bathrooms and kids. LOL

Quote of the day

From my 8yo DD to her brother (10) while they're doing math work at the table. She is reflecting out loud as she does her work:

"One day we might thank mom for this (work).... or not.".

Great imagination...

My oldest is 10 and he has a quick wit about him. The kind of wit that's fun when other people's kids have it, but not always as amusing when it's your own. Especially when they're still in the stages of figuring out what's taboo and what "good timing" is. For example, when mom has asked you to go to bed 5 times, it's probably NOT a good time to play a practical joke. I try so hard to keep calm and rational so I don't crush his spirits. Lately I've really been trying to appreciate him and his humor and who he is becoming as a person. With 5 it's easy to just clump them together into one herd of children but they really are 5 special & unique people. It's awesome.

So today, when the stick-in-the-mud side of me grew frustrated that he brought humor into his schooling, the gentler softer side of me knew that it was time to loosen up and laugh. He really is a funny kid!

The following is a drawing (using Paint, he much prefers doing things on the computer) my oldest did when prompted to draw the characters of the story of Anansi the spider, a character from West African lore we read about in our Story of the Word curriculum today. The kids were asked to draw a picture of Anansi with a banana, potato, & a few grains of rice. This was my sons interpretation. He thought the potato he tried to draw looked like Elvis and then the rice grain he drew first looked like it had glasses. I thought the banana was especially good and he added the words to a song we used to sing all the time when he was really little.

Chuck Norris is a household name for us now...

I don't know how or why the Chuck Norris fact craze started butI spent a good hour laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face reading them at Chucknorrisfacts.com. Of course when I did peel my eyes off the screen it made me laugh even harder to see the bewildered looks on my dad and DH's face. And when I tried to say them outloud, sometimes even intelligible, I cried even more while they shook their heads and tried to hold their laughter in. Resistance was futile though and soon enough all of us had tears rolling down our faces at such goodies as:

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.(I really want this one on a t-shirt lol).

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris. (or this one - rofl!)


Oh and there's much, much more! rofl

Santa Baby....

OK - I debated whether or not to post this because it's a "santa spoiler" so to speak but if you're reading this you're probably either a) An adult or b) A child who typed in google/yahoo "is Santa real". Either way, you can probably handle the following. ;-)

If you are a "Pere Noel" believer you may not want to read any further, consider yourself warned. ;-)

Alright so most of y'all know I have an 8yo brother. Let's call him Ed. So my mom was curious if Ed still believed in Santa. She hints around about him until Ed says, "Mom, I haven't believed in Santa since I was 1 years old!" Cute right? You don't know Ed. He has these snappy 1 liners that make me laugh SO darn hard while at the same time glad it's not my kid saying it. LOL Eds father says "Well, who do you think the man at the mall is then?"

Eds reply was, "Some guy with a crappy job!"

Oh my that child is full of stuff like that. Like I said HYSTERICAL 'cause he's not mine. hehehe

Oh and check this out - who says all the fun in pumpkin pie is eating it? (sorry it's so blurry but you get the idea)

Some people have ants on the counter, some people have cats on the counter, I have an epidemic of diaper clad children on my counter. ;-)

Pair-a-bullish

The other day I watched my newly 8 year old (!) daughter rummaging through the cabinets. I asked her what she was looking for and she said, "Mom, do you have any non-pairabullish food I can donate to Harvest for 4-H?".

"pera----what?" I asked, perplexed.

"You know, non-pairabullish, they have to store it for 2 weeks and so it can't go bad".

I tried so hard not to laugh in her face, she's old enough to get her feelings hurt so I explained that it was perishable, not pairabullish and we had a good laugh together.

I love that 8 is not too late for the cute things they say catagory. ;-)

My brothers take on country folk

I have one brother. We'll call him "E" here. He's the best thing that came out of moms temporary insanity to leave NY and meet his father, we'll refer to him as JD for Joe Dirt. She met Joe Dirt in an recovery chat room. Yeah, 'nuff said. He sent her pics of him on his Harley with long hair and she was sold. She dusted off her soul she had hung in the closet years ago when she met her then boyfriend, put it back on and hightailed it out of there, hours after my wedding. What JD didn't tell her is that his motorcycle had been traded in for dozens of useless Scout parts that littered his drive and that his long hair was in actuality, a mullet. So there she was living in the middle of nowhere with JD, 2 dogs, and nothing but the Arkansas countryside. Her new favorite pasttime was running snakes over back and forth and laughing manicially. We were all pretty worried about her. My MIL said to me one day, "Don't worry honey, you know I will always be here for you". Even the in-laws were scared.

But after some long summer days in Arkansas the honeymoon was over. She came to visit me in Florida where DH & I were living at the time and told me the news. More surprised at the fact she was keeping the baby than her being pregnant at all I was elated! I had always wanted a brother, even if he'd be 1.5 years younger than my oldest child. ;-) She had him in Texas one bright April day with JD hiding in the corner and my oldest son and I there by her side. By then I was pregnant with our second child who *E* is 7 months older than. Anyone feeling like singing "I Am My Own Grandpa" yet?

So anyway *E* spent most of his life in Southern Oklahoma aka "deep country livin'", like you've stepped into a time machine and went back 30 years kind of living. My mom went back to work when he was about 1 and she's still with the same company and is really good at what she does. Last year she was offered a promotion which included a transfer to Ohio. She jumped at the chance of more money and civilization again and they've been living quite happily there, my brother and her. She's pretty much eradicated the hillbilly from him and what's interesting is how he's slowly forgetting anything about the South. I embrace the very things they are more than happy to leave behind.

So mom calls the other day and tells me out of nowhere *E* tells her, "Mom, I think *J* & *G* (dh) must fart a LOT!" My mom cannot see where this is going at all and asks what in the world he means. He tells her very matter-of-factly, "Well, country people fart a lot and J & G are definately country. So they must fart a lot. In fact, mom I hate to say it but well...mom... they're hillbillies, that's just a fact."

I can't wait to go visit the little creep and go all "Cousin Eddie" on him. ;-) Actually I just find it amusing. I adore him but yes, he's becoming quite the snob in his ripe old age of 8.

I'd take a happy laid back fartin' hillbilly any day. I bet Jesus would have hung out with hillbillies. ;-)

Dry spell, Jebadiah, & weird places to sleep.

Yeah I think God's next plague for me was writers block. ;-)

So my adorable precocious almost-4-yo daughter with a beautiful classic name comes up to me today with a very serious look on her face. She looked at me very intently with her hands on her hips and said matter-of-factly, "Mommy, please don't call me &*$&* anymore, my new name is Jebadiah".


So we went to see a movie tonight as a family. We got back pretty late, it was around midnight and the kids had fallen asleep on the way home. DH and I carried the really little ones and directed the semi-conscious older 3 towards the house. I went around to tuck and pray and check on them in their beds after we were in for about 5 minutes. Then I realized I couldn't find my middle son. I asked DH if he knew where he was and he said he saw him come into the house and to check our room. He checked the playroom while I checked my room and the other bedroom and still no Middle Son. DH and I ran out front to check and there I saw him. When I get the pictures developed I will definately post them because there he was fast asleep in the driveway! Next to our van looking as comfortable as if he were sleeping on a cloud. After I took a picture or 2 I woke him up and directed him into the house. Tomorrow he will laugh hysterically at himself, he's a good sport.

I love being a mom, even with the surprises. ;-)

Why this child will never have a diaper rash...

Baby T is changed more often than any of my other children were. Is it because I finally got my act together and realize the minute he's dirty? Nope, that's not it. It's because the child has a strange fascination with p*op (edited to keep the pervies away - hopefully). Every single time he needs to be changed he comes up to me and I hear a slow whine:
Uhhhhh....ohhhhhh...pooooooooooooohhhhhhhhpeyyyyyyyyy.

But that's not it, the entertainment doesn't end there, no siree. When you turn to look at him he'll be wagging, ever so gently one finger with a rather disgusted face and more whining. And at the end of that adorable pudgy little finger is the very thing he's whining about. That's right folks. Every.single.time.

If he was my first child I'd probably be worried about future feti$hes and analyze the crap out of this. But, since he's our 5th we just look, wrinkle our noses, and laugh all the way to the shower for the 3rd time that day.

OK - more than you ever wanted to know I'm sure. The saddest thing about it is I'm really wanting to videotape it - I've become rather desensitized.

Cheesy...

OK again I'm just blogging a short entry. I can't keep my eyes open lately. Man.

So Middle Son comes up to me saying "Mommy, mommy! (DD3) has the PapaJohns cheese!" to which Oldest Boy replies, "Parmesian, not Papa John!"

I'm glad I have kids or I'd have nothing for ya. lol

Backfire!

Don't let me get away with not posting our drama this weekend with baby T. But right now I'm delirously tired so I'll stick with a funny kid story again.

Middle Son, "Mr. Mischief" is always getting into the fridge & freezer. He steals bits of daddys birthday cake, ice cream, anything he can get his hands on. It has become worse as of late so I picked up a fridge child lock Sunday night. I put it up, went to bed and DH stayed up so I could sleep in a bit. I was woken by Middle Son whispering to me "Mom, I saw what you got for the refrigerator! It's a good idea. I got the milk for (DD3)because she can't open it".

So apparently he's mighty proud that I bought something to keep his little sister out of the fridge. And he feels even prouder that HE can open it to help her out.

*sigh*

Darn that St. Johns Wort!

I'm finding it really difficult to be snarky lately. Darn happy pills. I think I'll keep the title though just as a disclaimer for when I *do* feel snarky again because I'm sure it will come eventually.

I bought a crate of Clementines last night for DH - today is his birthday (I plan on posting more about that later). So this morning the kids had some and my 3yo came up and sweetly said "Mom, can you peel this for me, I have half hands"

Different worlds

I was on the phone with DH on the way home from another LONG shopping excursion. *sigh* Remind me to talk about my 3yo and how 2 HOURS later she can still cry from the tiniest thing that set her off. So I'm talking to DH and he said he was on his way home already and would beat us there. The kids didn't expect him home so I decided to surprise them. My 5yo was up front with me and he started to say, "HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT?!?!?!" I stopped him (he *always* does that and said "Shhh I want to keep it a surprise". He looks at me really strangely and says in a very bewildered tone, "You want to keep the white cat crossing the road ahead a surprise?!" Wow we live in 2 different worlds sometimes. lol I told him that it was OK, I was thinking of something else and he could tell them about the cat. He looks over and says, "Nah, I want to keep that a secret to us". LOL

Testing 1...2...3?

DS9: "Mom, dd7 just took dads hammer and put a hole in the door" (how did I not hear this?)

DD7: "He TOLD me to do it!"

Mom: "So because he said so you did it?" (then to ds9) "And why did you tell her to do that?"

DS9 mutters to DD7: "I told you I was going to test you sometime today"

DD7 righteously: "No you didn't!"

Mom (leerily): "What do you mean test her?"

DS9: "Test to see if she would really do something really bad if I told her to... I'm going to test her 2 more times today"

Mom (with finality): "Oh no you are not!"

Doggie Style

Mom: "I need to git me one of those doggie pocketbooks"

5yo DS: "Doggie purses? Do they have zippers?"

Mom: "Yeah, I think so."

5yo ds: (looking quite perplexed)"How do they open the zipper? With their teeth?"

Mom: (laughing my butt off) "No honey, the pocketbook is for me to carry the dogs not for the dogs to carry"

Oh they keep me laughing!!!