Been there, done that, no I DO not want the t-shirt

Being bedridden and wishing you were dead for 4 days prompts a lot of soul searching. Well, it does once the fever subsides and you can't think again in coherent sentences. So please bare with me as I'm pretty shitty sometimes about staying focused on one main idea while I write. As if you haven't noticed. ;-)

Let me start with the disclosure that I'm not one of those people who wants to "take the easy road" in life. I'm not looking to live my life anyway I choose without consequence. I know some people choose religions or ways of life because there is less accountability and they can utter a few words or go to church once a year and feel exhonerated. I'm not looking for that. I still believe in a living God. He's here, He's holding me accountable all the time and He loves me dearly. All that being said let me move on to my point. Or at least try to.

I was raised by a pretty strong woman. She's liberal in her politics, measures success by her job, and well has always believed you don't need a man to do anything. Well except she needed my g'pa one night pretty badly when she caught a mouse in her bedroom with a pot. LOL But for most things, men were accessories, interchangable with your outfits. I guess growing up that way is why when my DH and I got married I was adament it was for life. Thankfully so was he. Everything's fine - we're good, I'm not going there... Let me try again to get to my point. lol

After becoming Christians I felt obligated to play my new "role" well. He grew up in a house of very strong women and although I don't like to perceive myself as a weak woman, I'm definately not a feminist. I like to think of my strengths as emotional and nurturing ones. I do cry... a lot. But I like to think my character is strong, intact. I know it is. But I have had this pesky habit of martyring myself. I hate people who do that and yet, I find myself too often wallowing in the seas of Woeisme. It's not a nice place to wade in folks. It's just not pretty and you aren't satisfied when you're done. Even worse you've floated adrift even further from where you wanted to be when you're done. It just doesn't make any sense to do it!

I was reading a lot about submissiveness and how to be a good wife. And so I swallowed my own thoughts, hopes, ideas for awhile and tried my best to just smile and be by my husbands side ready to overfloweth his cup on call. And while I'd love to say my husband didn't like it I know he did. One of his "love languages" is Acts Of Service you see so he gets off on stuff like that. But what I didn't realize in all my submissive searching was that I did NOT have to submit my own happiness to fulfill his. That was an ephiphany that came to me just this week actually. I can be a great mom, keep a clean house (I think), cook during the week, and be happy too! It doesn't have to always be about everyone else. You see what was happening to me was this submissive role played right into my matrydom which in turn made me angry (displaced anger at DH) which made him angry at me which made us both angry in general and short with the kids, blah, blah, blah. Life was just miserable at times.

So this week I realized that just like I can be a crunchy (organic), poor, attachment-mom Republican; I can be a happy, sometimes selfish, slightly liberal (as compared to some) christian mom & wife. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 that I'm finally realizing I need to be ME. I've read so many books, watched so many families, listened to so many talk shows. But my family doesn't fit anywhere because it's mine. Ours. And I've been so busy trying to make things perfect that I've gotten rather uptight. I find myself barking and showing my teeth rather than just loving on them and nurturing them all. And I can change that. What good is realizing it if I don't change it? I don't have to DO everything. Or whine about doing everything. DH can help on the weekends. The kids can help all the time. It's not OK for them to destroy things. Yeah, you'd think my ephiphany would have been deeper than this wouldn't you?

I'm just saying I guess I'm tired of wishing I was happy and I'm going to start being happy. I don't need a perfect husband for that. I don't need perfect children for that. I don't need to be perfect for that. *whew* that's a flippin' relief because no one could be. People will remember the delicious meals you cooked for them (I still wish my g'ma was alive to cook her famous london broil). They remember your warm and inviting home (even if the only matching thing about your furniture are the stains). They remember tradition. They remember the essence that surrounds you even long after your gone.

I don't want to be wishing for things to be perfect, I want to start living the way things just are. The only "whine" I want to partake in is the occassional glass that comes with good friends and food around the table. I want to create memories instead of dreaming of the day when we'll be good enough to create them.


OK so now that I've talked about ephiphanies and all that I've got to go watch the "Bachelor: Officer & A Gentleman" episode I T'voed. Hey, I feel really mature when I watch those girls! LOL