Man I'm getting old...

I freecycle'd wanting a VCR locally. A gentleman answered that he had one and today I went to pick it up in a public parking lot. I was in the middle of cleaning, cooking, & I haven't had time to shower today. I pulled my hair back, threw on some OK smelling clothes on and ran out the door, baby in tow. He was standing by his car holding the VCR and man was he eye candy. Shirt and tie, hair perfect, sweet & smiling. Do you know why I'm upset? Because my first thought was, "I wonder if he's single" and I promptly called my mom on the way home. My single mom to taunt her that if she was living here she could have been with me. I looked frumpy and unkempt and just terrible and I didn't even care. I'm married, I have 5 children, I don't have time for anything else. It's a good thing I know but it is kind of sad. My mom did tell me to drive back and leave her e-mail address with him but I didn't do it. LOL

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2 other families and myself do this Girl Scout alternative with our girls called "Keepers of their Homes". It's in the desperate hope that our girls will be more together than any of us are by the time they're married and managing their own homes. So yesterday we talked about Fire Safety in the home. And today my oldest daughter has become the fire safety nazi and I think I regret educating her. "Mom, this smoke detector was laying on the floor in the closet" "Oh...er...um...uh...it's an old one honey!"
"Mom, the one by the kitchen is hanging open with no battery"
"Uh yeah, mom got tired of listening to it every time she cooks honey" Yeah, I'm a hypocrite. Get used to it kids.

From my 5yo tonight...

"Mom, *Oldest Son* won't stop trying to scare me. He told me every night under the bed he feeds my pictures to Smeagal"

Since I was an only child for 21 years I'm going to chalk this up to a normal sibling token of affection. He did have a smile on his face while telling me. Ignorance is bliss. ;-)

Been there, done that, no I DO not want the t-shirt

Being bedridden and wishing you were dead for 4 days prompts a lot of soul searching. Well, it does once the fever subsides and you can't think again in coherent sentences. So please bare with me as I'm pretty shitty sometimes about staying focused on one main idea while I write. As if you haven't noticed. ;-)

Let me start with the disclosure that I'm not one of those people who wants to "take the easy road" in life. I'm not looking to live my life anyway I choose without consequence. I know some people choose religions or ways of life because there is less accountability and they can utter a few words or go to church once a year and feel exhonerated. I'm not looking for that. I still believe in a living God. He's here, He's holding me accountable all the time and He loves me dearly. All that being said let me move on to my point. Or at least try to.

I was raised by a pretty strong woman. She's liberal in her politics, measures success by her job, and well has always believed you don't need a man to do anything. Well except she needed my g'pa one night pretty badly when she caught a mouse in her bedroom with a pot. LOL But for most things, men were accessories, interchangable with your outfits. I guess growing up that way is why when my DH and I got married I was adament it was for life. Thankfully so was he. Everything's fine - we're good, I'm not going there... Let me try again to get to my point. lol

After becoming Christians I felt obligated to play my new "role" well. He grew up in a house of very strong women and although I don't like to perceive myself as a weak woman, I'm definately not a feminist. I like to think of my strengths as emotional and nurturing ones. I do cry... a lot. But I like to think my character is strong, intact. I know it is. But I have had this pesky habit of martyring myself. I hate people who do that and yet, I find myself too often wallowing in the seas of Woeisme. It's not a nice place to wade in folks. It's just not pretty and you aren't satisfied when you're done. Even worse you've floated adrift even further from where you wanted to be when you're done. It just doesn't make any sense to do it!

I was reading a lot about submissiveness and how to be a good wife. And so I swallowed my own thoughts, hopes, ideas for awhile and tried my best to just smile and be by my husbands side ready to overfloweth his cup on call. And while I'd love to say my husband didn't like it I know he did. One of his "love languages" is Acts Of Service you see so he gets off on stuff like that. But what I didn't realize in all my submissive searching was that I did NOT have to submit my own happiness to fulfill his. That was an ephiphany that came to me just this week actually. I can be a great mom, keep a clean house (I think), cook during the week, and be happy too! It doesn't have to always be about everyone else. You see what was happening to me was this submissive role played right into my matrydom which in turn made me angry (displaced anger at DH) which made him angry at me which made us both angry in general and short with the kids, blah, blah, blah. Life was just miserable at times.

So this week I realized that just like I can be a crunchy (organic), poor, attachment-mom Republican; I can be a happy, sometimes selfish, slightly liberal (as compared to some) christian mom & wife. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 that I'm finally realizing I need to be ME. I've read so many books, watched so many families, listened to so many talk shows. But my family doesn't fit anywhere because it's mine. Ours. And I've been so busy trying to make things perfect that I've gotten rather uptight. I find myself barking and showing my teeth rather than just loving on them and nurturing them all. And I can change that. What good is realizing it if I don't change it? I don't have to DO everything. Or whine about doing everything. DH can help on the weekends. The kids can help all the time. It's not OK for them to destroy things. Yeah, you'd think my ephiphany would have been deeper than this wouldn't you?

I'm just saying I guess I'm tired of wishing I was happy and I'm going to start being happy. I don't need a perfect husband for that. I don't need perfect children for that. I don't need to be perfect for that. *whew* that's a flippin' relief because no one could be. People will remember the delicious meals you cooked for them (I still wish my g'ma was alive to cook her famous london broil). They remember your warm and inviting home (even if the only matching thing about your furniture are the stains). They remember tradition. They remember the essence that surrounds you even long after your gone.

I don't want to be wishing for things to be perfect, I want to start living the way things just are. The only "whine" I want to partake in is the occassional glass that comes with good friends and food around the table. I want to create memories instead of dreaming of the day when we'll be good enough to create them.


OK so now that I've talked about ephiphanies and all that I've got to go watch the "Bachelor: Officer & A Gentleman" episode I T'voed. Hey, I feel really mature when I watch those girls! LOL

I forgot the best part!

About the Dr... I'm fighting the plague, going on 4 days now of fevers, chills, sweats and just misery. So you'll have to excuse me missing the best part. As he's laying me back palpatating my stomach he says, "Looks like our next president is going to be from NY huh?" I asked him if he was trying to give me palpatations if he meant Hillary. There aren't many people were I'm from that will vote for her, she targeted all the rich folk upstate. He says that must mean I'm a Giulanni fan. Eh, I did like him in the City but I'm not exactly comfortable putting someone like him in control either. I told him I'd probably be voting for the lesser of 2 evils and Hillary always seems to be the most evil. LOL He didn't say much. ;-)

OK so I'm at a "mother's night out" dinner the other night. 2 of my most liberal friends and 2 of my most conservative friends are left at this point. One of our liberal friends say "Did you know Al Gore invented the internet? and one of my conservative friends pipes up and says, "Yeah, he invented Global Warming too". ROFL!!! That was just priceless...

The Southern Doctor

I couldn't take this plague any longer and I bit the bullet and went into the local walk-in clinic. This is the place that makes me feel about 2 inches tall if I have to bring my kids in and they find out they're not vaccinated. In fact, I'd take my kids to the ER rather than this walk-in clinic. But hey, I followed all the "rules" and I was vaccinated so I went in today.

I'm not a quiet person, by any means. I'm a typical NY'er, I interrupt you mid-sentence, I'm sarcastic, I make loud jokes and laugh at myself. Most of the time people laugh *with* me. Most people I know know me enough that I'm not trying to be rude, It's just how I am. I'm a people pleaser in fact, but I'm a loud one. lol So when I run across a meek and mild person, I just do.not.know.how.to.handle.it. At all.

The Dr walks in, shakes my hand, turns to the sink and washes his hands for a good 2 minutes. He turns around, sits on the stool and just sits there staring at me. Awkward silence fills the room and I can't take it anymore so I start relaying what I told the nurse. He stops me halfway through and says, "where you from?". Originally Long Island, NY I say. "What are you doing 'round here?" he asks. I pause, switching gears and give him the typical "we wanted to raise our family in a slower paced world plus we'd have to live on the streets if we still lived on L.I." spiel. He just listens and nods. Not a word. More awkwardness. He says he spent a year in Brooklyn and I decide to turn the tables and ask him how he liked it. He very quietly, off in his own world starts to speak softly about his time in NYC. "Well, we knew we weren't going to be there long but I realize the things I missed. Cornbread and beans. I'm real southern you see. I even had a black nanny named LeeLou. I missed the dirt roads and driving on the highways late at night and not seeing anyone ahead or behind, that's serenity".
If my head wasn't killing me I'd have found it really amusing. It's more amusing now on Ibuprofen relating the story. Who tells people they had a black nanny? lol He was a kind man although I never could figure out if he liked NY or not, or why he kept asking me why I was here. He didn't laugh at my jokes (but the nurse did, he was cool) so I had nothing left. I just related my symptoms over and over again. When he asked what the worst symptom was I told him it was my headache.

He sent me home with something for my nausea and something for my cough. Nothing for the headache - maybe he wants me to move back to NY? LOL

Lip Synching Baby

OK I know most of y'all requested the singing in the shower one. But DH expressed his hesitation in posting such video and sure enough, there were 80 hits within a few hours of posting it on youtube. So I will e-mail you the video if you'd really like to see it, I'm sort of creeped out how many people wanted to view the video of my 7yo daughter singing in the shower. lol

So here's Lip Synching baby! And Emily, I'll try to upload "White boy dancing" tonight too just for you. ;-)

Need to smile?

This video was so funny! What an *adorable* baby with a huge laugh. lol