Realization "quiz" - feel free to post your own!

realization

1. i've come to realize that my behind: Is probably always going to be the last thing to thin out.

2. i've come to realize that when i talk: I need to choose my words more carefully.

3. i've come to realize that if i love someone: They almost always love me back.

4. i've come to realize that i need: My intimacy with God

5. i've come to realize that i lost: My inability to function in the mornings (yay)

6. i've come to realize that i hate it when: I let my emotions rule my actions/words.

7. i've come to realize that, if i'm drunk: I'm drunk on love. ;-)

8. i've come to realize that marriage: Takes 2 to perservere, and it's a LOT of rewarding & consistent work.

9. i've come to realize that i really: Value and enjoy people (most days)

10. i've come to realize that i'll always be: Struggling to become my best self.

11. i've come to realize that i like: Raw food! yay, who'd have thunk it?!

12. i've come to realize that the last time i cried was: Last week at the park with friends talking about DH's dad leaving him so young.

13. i've come to realize that my cell phone is: Probably slowly harming me but pretty impossible to live without.

14. i've come to realize that when i wake up in the morning: I enjoy getting out of bed!

15. i've come to realize that before i go to sleep at night: . I always have to stand in each of the kids bedrooms and pray for their protection.

16. i've come to realize that now i'm thinking about: Getting some much needed sleep and my jam-packed day tomorrrow.

17. i've come to realize that babies: Grow up WAY too fast.

18. i've come to realize that, when i get on Myspace: I look forward to seeing if I have new messages or comments.

19. I've come to realize that today: Was not as chaotic as I expected, there were many blessings throughout it.

20. i've come to realize that tonight i will: Go hold my husband and go to sleep.

21. i've come to realize that tomorrow i will: Go to lunch/library coffee tasting with an old friend, take the kids to the magician, & do my Home & Garden Party.

22. i've come to realize that i really want: For my husband to realize how special he is.

Busy!!!

I've really reprioritized things in my life lately. I feel like I'm becoming more balanced and what I was created to be and less like I'm "treading water". so to speak. I'm focusing on the bigger picture first and the details next instead of the other way around. I'm spending time with people who make me better when I leave them. I'm also working part-time as an independent designer for Home and Garden Party <------- shameless plug

My husband tends to have what I call an "Eeyore" personality. He hates it when I say that so don't tell him but it's true. Most of the time I just feel like everything will be OK. It drives him NUTS. ;-) He mistakes my carefree attitude for not caring when in reality I just feel like I need to trust in God fully. So, I follow His discernment and if I get a red light I feel like it was for a reason. DH on the other hands will try to figure out what he did wrong to make the light red or better yet, bang it with a hammer until it turns green. ;-) Anyway, my whole point here is that DH changed. A couple of weeks ago he told me he felt like all these red lights in our life were there to point us to the direction God wanted us to go in. I got nervous for a minute thinking the next words out of his mouth would be that we needed to move to Alaska so he could be a bush pilot. But no, he simply felt strongly led to go back and finish school. A venture we had long given up on. I was so excited he felt this way and we looked into our life as it was and saw a clear plan. It won't be easy but it will definately be do-able. So, DH is finally leaving his work-all-night job (boy, that was killing me!) and working long weekends. This will only leave us $100-200 less than what we're used to believe it or not and I'll be able to supplement that with my new job. He'll be going to school during the week and I'll be doing my home parties/office work a few nights a week. And Wednesdays will be family night. I'm looking forward to it.
Speaking of my job, I love it. I detest the paperwork part of it but I love going out there and meeting new people and showing people the products. I love finding new dynamics and just having a blast with people I just met. I did my first party last week and we had hail the size of ping pong balls during it. How's that for distraction?! lol But we had a great turnout and lots of fun so I'm encouraged. I need to hire someone for the paperwork part and I'll be good to go. ;-) It's still a struggle balancing homeschooling, just being a mommy, being a supportive wife, doing the house stuff, cooking, shuffling around activities but it's a good thing. It's making me more self motivated and disciplined than I think I've ever been. It's definately refining me and my family, for the better.
So, check out my stuff. ;-) I'm in love with everything in the catalog. That's my direct link up there. If you wanted to do an online or catalog party you can earn FREE & 1/2 price items. Pardon me while I slip into my business suit. LOL
Oh, on other news my little dog, Cocoa, wasn't acting right on Sunday. Then he got worse. Vomiting, becoming rigid, not moving, cloudy eyes, drooling, extended stomach, whining. I called the vet and he met me down at the office (they rock!). They are keeping him a second night. We're not sure what's wrong but he's my lap dog, I have never been a dog person until now. I really miss him and hope he's going to be OK!
Also on Sunday our middle son (6) was playing at church with the older kids and fell off a field goal post onto his back. He was a bit shaken but seemed OK, jsut a little sore. This morning he said he was better and we couldn't see any bruising so we decided to just ice it and called it sore muscles (my husband was a medical tech in the Air Force and a civilian EMT so we're usually pretty good at diagnosing - even our DR says so. lol). But tonight he's not using it at all and he's really sore. So, tomorrow we are making a DR appointment, I'm praying it's not a break or serious sprain. Sometimes as parents you don't always make the right call and then the "mommy guilt" sets in. Why didn't you take him sooner? and all that stuff. But you just do the best you can, follow your instincts, and live and learn. So please say a prayer that he is just having muscle pain and it's not anything worse, we'll know tomorrow.
I guess that's pretty much it for now. We have a family vacation in 2 weeks to my cousins wedding. We're getting excited thinking about that. Life is so full lately but like I mentioned above, I'm trying to fill it with only the important stuff. ;-)
Hugs,
Jess

Adventures

I just got back from a weekend in Boston to be with my childhood friend, *M*. We were thinking it wasn't possible that were have known each other since we were 4 years old then she found an old picture of us and the date on the back put us at 5 years old in the picture. So, we really have been friends that long, it seems surreal. We spent the weekend meeting new people, getting massages, shopping, and my personal favorite; watching old home movies of ourselves and laughing so hard we should have worn depends. ;-)

There were both great times and tragic times during our trip (our mutual friends father passed away this weekend) but it's a trip I'll keep with me always. I'm going to be posting various stories and pictures from the trip because when you're travelling without children there are LOTS Of things to observe and take pictures of. LOL

So, look for the posts, I can't promise any today but I will post some.

Yum!

Take a look at my dinner tonight:

Clockwise from the top: Apricot ball, Sushi, Granola with Cacao nibs,
Fresh fruit (watermelon, mango, pineapple), and Mushroom "steak" (marinated) with
Red peppers, Broccoli, and Onion. :-)

What makes this meal so unique (to me) is that it's all RAW. I went to a raw food class tonight with my friend. Let me tell you folks, I'm a very picky eater, especially when it comes to healthy stuff. But it was GOOD!!! I really started researching and realizing that what I put into my body is supposed to fuel it, not just fill it. I'm trying to keep that in mind lately.

I started with making green smoothies. You know that saying "if everyone was jumping off a bridge would you do it?". Well, everyone around me was drinking green smoothies and I was happy to join in. I've seen drastic changes in weight, attitude, and overall health in my friends. That's one bridge I'm happy to jump off with them. ;-) My kids will try it everytime (I always ask them to try once and recite lines from Dr. Suess' Green Eggs & Ham until they do). But so far only my oldest will drink them regularly, and he's my most picky eater, go figure! I'd like to talk more about them but I'm feeling very uninspired right now so if you have any questions/comments feel free to ask!

Oh and I'm reading Digging your Grave with a Knife & Forkby Mike Huckabee right now. I'm really enjoying it!

Weaning has been rough on me...

I thought I was weaning my son but truth is, I'm weaning myself. It was harder on me than it was on him I think. It still is hard. He's my last baby. Before him I was usually pregnant when I weaned and I knew there would be another sweet baby to come and watch grow. There's something about nursing. When I was young and naive I looked upon it even as a gross thing. Almost a perverse thing. But when I had children of my own I realized how ignorant that was. What a special and unique bond it is. God knew what he was doing. He creates hormones to both make baby happy and content to stay still & mama too. It's a strong bonding experience. On a lighter note, it's almost equivalent to that first buzz you get if you ever had drinking days. Everything is right with the world. On top of all that you get the satisfaction of knowing you are sustaining life. By yourself. I always thought that was a blessing and confidence booster! I can honestly say 75% or more of my nursing days were enjoyable once I got past the social mores of the world and became confident in the beautiful thing is really is.

When I had my first son 10 years ago I was embarrassed by breastfeeding, even resentful of it because it took me away from everyone. I went into the bathroom in public, dressing rooms, I isolated myself in other peoples homes. By the time my daughter was born I was more confident and nowadays I can nurse like MacGyver - just give me a blanket & my teeth - I don't need any stinkin' hands. LOL And you wouldn't even know what was going on. ;-)

So, it's been a journey for me, 5 children, almost 8 years long (I didn't start extended nursing until my 4th child). I've grown so much, I've been pregnant, with newborn, going to school, teaching school, but I've always been nursing. It's been part of who I am, what I'm used to. But, I recognized that for baby T and I it had become a dependency issue. And I didn't enjoy being just his food supply. He was actually rude to me unless I was feeding at times. And then he started gorging himself and making himself sick. So, it was definately time. And it was definately harder on me than it was on him. He's already stopped asking. Which partly makes me want to cry and partly makes me proud. It's bittersweet.

I think while I'm really reflecting here I'm realizing it's the first huge step for me of the process of letting go. I know there are going to be harder steps in the future. I just hope I always can be selfless enough to look past my own emotions and put my children first. When we're not mutually benefitting anymore from something it's time to let it go. Am I on to something older moms? Is it going to be this hard every step of the way?

Is it too late to say I don't think I'm qualified for the job? LOL

So anyway, all this to share a poem I wrote during what I call my grieving process. It's all just so final and I needed a way to express myself. Some of you may be able to relate.


If you fell down all I had to do,
was say one special word to you.
When it was late & sleepiness crept in,
One word and out came that sweet drowsy grin.
On those wee morning hours with just you and I,
That word always made you happily sigh.
Cold afternoons just before you would nap,
One word brought warmth and rest with a snap.
I will always cherish these moments, my beautiful son,
The moments you called on with the word "mum".
This chapter may be over in both of our lives,
But I will always remember & treasure, your sweet nursing eyes.

Still the One... 10 years later...

You're Still The One by Shania Twain
(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after
all this time, you're still the one I love.)
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." ~Barnett R. Brickner

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson

Happy 10th Anniversary to DH and I! WooHoo!!

Killing my snarky side?

Teasing - 2 : to tear in pieces; especially : to shred (a tissue or specimen) for microscopic examination
3 a : to disturb or annoy by persistent irritating or provoking especially in a petty or mischievous way b : to annoy with petty persistent requests : PESTER; also : to obtain by repeated coaxing c : to persuade to acquiesce especially by persistent small efforts : COAX d : to manipulate or influence as if by teasing e : to make fun of : KID

Sarcasm: Etymology: French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh; probably akin to Avestan thwar&s- to cut
1 : a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
2 a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

OK so our counselor wants us to stop all teasing and sarcasm in our household. Every.Single.Bit. Even the funny kind because he said it's usually not funny to at least someone. I'll admit it, I am afriad of turning into Ned Flanders to be quite honest. Or Stuart Smalley, "but doggonit people like me". haha

We grew up in NY. Sarcasm is a primary language. Yelling is the second language of choice there. So to drop all of that isn't easy. We were raised in it. We were in fact raised to mock people who weren't like us. So to become the very people we mocked is difficult. If that makes any sense.

==================

OK on a lighter note. Yesterday was my 29th birthday. The highlight of my day was being hired on to help clean for an apartment complex. It sounds silly but it really felt great to know they wanted me to work for them. And I actually enjoy cleaning. And it will be a quiet reflective time for me I think. And I may choose how often I work each month, if at all. I'm excited!

So we went out to dinner for my birthday and I asked DH's NOT to tell the guys to throw that nasty old sombrero on my head and sing to me. About 3/4 of the way through the meal I was absolutely FREEZING cold! I took the baby and went to the car much to DH's dismay. I knew he had planned to have them sing to me. So I'm in the van with the baby minding my own business warming up and reading a book when I see DH and the kids come out followed by an entourage of workers from the restaurant and that DARN SOMBRERO. I contemplated locking the doors and pretending I didn't know them but thought better of it and rolled down my window. They promptly placed it on my head, screamed "WE'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY!!!" and sang their loud rendition of Happy Birtdhay to me. The kids were absolutely thrilled and I swear I caught an evil smirk on DH's face. At least I wasn't freezing. ;-)

It's good to know you're loved.

J

You need to get yourself a few of these...

Good friends.

I can honestly say I have an overabundance of really great girlfriends. There isn't one that I'm closest too or one I go to for everything, there's a variety of very different type of women in my life. The woman I go to depends on the situation I'm in at the time. It just feels right.

When I first moved to this town I prayed desperately for just one good friend. Thankfully God is smarter than I and gave me lots of different ones. In high school I had mostly guy friends but I always had one best friend. The best friend cycled between about 4 girls growing up although I kept in touch with them all but for some reason, it just felt wrong to have more than 1 best friend at a time. I had to eat, sleep, and be together of every waking minute with the chosen girl. Looking back, it really wasn't healthy at all and most of the time more heartbreak was caused than joy. But that's just how it is growing up.

I have felt guilty a bit lately because I limit my childrens time with other kids. They play every Thursday at a playgroup with lot of other families and we do usually have lunch or get together with a family 1-on-1 about once a week or so. But I ixnay the best friend thing all together. They have favorite children for different things (football playing, philosophical discussions, fort building) but they don't have ONE friend they need to be with ALL.THE.TIME.

I realized last night that's OK! As I had a Mother's Night Out with 3 of my friends, 2 of which I don't get to see very often at all, I realized how blessed I am to have a variety. The dynamics are never the same. There isn't much drama anymore, hardly any gossip or politics. Just enjoying who was brought together this time. We laughed and laughed and talked deep things as well until 1am last night. I sat and listened and gleaned so much wisdom from them as well. They're all in a later season of life than I and I loved being able to hear both their regrets and their more positive choices in raising their children.

The best part of it all is I know it could be a year until I see them all again in similiar circumstance (we see each other during childrens activities more often). But that's OK. I know we'll just pick up where we left off. And it may never be just us again and that's OK too.

I love the freedom of healthy female relationships!

Dog days

For not being a dog person I have an awful lot of posts with "dog" in the title lately. I'm turning into my grandma.

OK the doggie purse thing has caused an uproar (mostly a private e-mail uproar - my friends and readers are mostly too shy to post for some reason). Most of my friends are shocked and appalled that I would even *think* of such a faux pas. So, in the spirit of friendship I was going to post a picture of me SLINGING my puppy but no one in my family would take the picture. Then my camera broke. An omen? Hmmm you decide.

I. did. not. buy. a. doggie. purse. yet. So calm down people! Enough with the "Have you gone MAD woman?!?!?!" e-mails. Please.

OK, I haven't updated on my puppies for a few reasons. 1) I just haven't been in the mood to put comprehensive sentences together. 2) I have been ignoring my household duties on the go lately a LOT. (I've been getting a lot of time for myself too. I think DH spidey sensed I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and he's been giving me LOTS of nights to go read or eat & laugh with friends or have some coffee and quiet) & 3) *Warning* the following is not even remotely snarky, funny, or positive Curly, the black Cocker Spaniel, did not make it through. My oldest son and I sat by its side watching him go through a very terrible death. :-( In fact, at the very end I couldn't handle it anymore and I told my oldest to come by me. Later he asked why I pulled him away and I told him I couldn't deal with the dog dying and he said "Mom, you should have left me there petting him, I could have handled it" He's growing up to be such a brave and wonderful young man.



So as therapy for my grief (although I was sad, it was the fragility of life that really shook me I think) I dug his grave. Wow I didn't know digging could relieve so much stress and negativity! I may write a book called "The Angry Gardener". I used a hand spade and a plastic drinking cup. Did a fine job if I say so myself. Shovels, we don't need no stinkin' shovels.

Cocoa, on the other hand (the Chihuhua), is FINE. The vet congratulated me on taking such good care of them both and said he doubted the outcome would have been different even if I had them in with him. At least Curly died on a warm bed with people that loved him.

Alright enough of that sappy shit. I'll post a pic soon of Cocoa, the wonder puppy, who likes to try to nurse on my husband - talk about a rude wake up call! He's my kind of dog - a cat without the attitude. And him and our older dog, Sheba, play so WELL together. Sheba could eat him without chewing but instead they play like - well - like puppies. He's the perfect addition to the family.

OK, so about cameras. My lens is frozen open - darn Oklahoma dusty winds! So if you guys love me and like my photos and ever want to see that White Trash Baby Daddy exercise tape I suggest you create a paypal fundraiser for Jlynn to buy a new camera. Alright, quit looking at me like that, I'll just buy disposables until I can get a new one. ;-)

Been there, done that, no I DO not want the t-shirt

Being bedridden and wishing you were dead for 4 days prompts a lot of soul searching. Well, it does once the fever subsides and you can't think again in coherent sentences. So please bare with me as I'm pretty shitty sometimes about staying focused on one main idea while I write. As if you haven't noticed. ;-)

Let me start with the disclosure that I'm not one of those people who wants to "take the easy road" in life. I'm not looking to live my life anyway I choose without consequence. I know some people choose religions or ways of life because there is less accountability and they can utter a few words or go to church once a year and feel exhonerated. I'm not looking for that. I still believe in a living God. He's here, He's holding me accountable all the time and He loves me dearly. All that being said let me move on to my point. Or at least try to.

I was raised by a pretty strong woman. She's liberal in her politics, measures success by her job, and well has always believed you don't need a man to do anything. Well except she needed my g'pa one night pretty badly when she caught a mouse in her bedroom with a pot. LOL But for most things, men were accessories, interchangable with your outfits. I guess growing up that way is why when my DH and I got married I was adament it was for life. Thankfully so was he. Everything's fine - we're good, I'm not going there... Let me try again to get to my point. lol

After becoming Christians I felt obligated to play my new "role" well. He grew up in a house of very strong women and although I don't like to perceive myself as a weak woman, I'm definately not a feminist. I like to think of my strengths as emotional and nurturing ones. I do cry... a lot. But I like to think my character is strong, intact. I know it is. But I have had this pesky habit of martyring myself. I hate people who do that and yet, I find myself too often wallowing in the seas of Woeisme. It's not a nice place to wade in folks. It's just not pretty and you aren't satisfied when you're done. Even worse you've floated adrift even further from where you wanted to be when you're done. It just doesn't make any sense to do it!

I was reading a lot about submissiveness and how to be a good wife. And so I swallowed my own thoughts, hopes, ideas for awhile and tried my best to just smile and be by my husbands side ready to overfloweth his cup on call. And while I'd love to say my husband didn't like it I know he did. One of his "love languages" is Acts Of Service you see so he gets off on stuff like that. But what I didn't realize in all my submissive searching was that I did NOT have to submit my own happiness to fulfill his. That was an ephiphany that came to me just this week actually. I can be a great mom, keep a clean house (I think), cook during the week, and be happy too! It doesn't have to always be about everyone else. You see what was happening to me was this submissive role played right into my matrydom which in turn made me angry (displaced anger at DH) which made him angry at me which made us both angry in general and short with the kids, blah, blah, blah. Life was just miserable at times.

So this week I realized that just like I can be a crunchy (organic), poor, attachment-mom Republican; I can be a happy, sometimes selfish, slightly liberal (as compared to some) christian mom & wife. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 that I'm finally realizing I need to be ME. I've read so many books, watched so many families, listened to so many talk shows. But my family doesn't fit anywhere because it's mine. Ours. And I've been so busy trying to make things perfect that I've gotten rather uptight. I find myself barking and showing my teeth rather than just loving on them and nurturing them all. And I can change that. What good is realizing it if I don't change it? I don't have to DO everything. Or whine about doing everything. DH can help on the weekends. The kids can help all the time. It's not OK for them to destroy things. Yeah, you'd think my ephiphany would have been deeper than this wouldn't you?

I'm just saying I guess I'm tired of wishing I was happy and I'm going to start being happy. I don't need a perfect husband for that. I don't need perfect children for that. I don't need to be perfect for that. *whew* that's a flippin' relief because no one could be. People will remember the delicious meals you cooked for them (I still wish my g'ma was alive to cook her famous london broil). They remember your warm and inviting home (even if the only matching thing about your furniture are the stains). They remember tradition. They remember the essence that surrounds you even long after your gone.

I don't want to be wishing for things to be perfect, I want to start living the way things just are. The only "whine" I want to partake in is the occassional glass that comes with good friends and food around the table. I want to create memories instead of dreaming of the day when we'll be good enough to create them.


OK so now that I've talked about ephiphanies and all that I've got to go watch the "Bachelor: Officer & A Gentleman" episode I T'voed. Hey, I feel really mature when I watch those girls! LOL