Things I never thought I'd say...

OK so I like to be really honest with my kids. My 9yo has a very healthy understanding of the birds and the bees. He guided us to how much and when he should know. After I had heard some things at school my mom reluctantly rented me the basic "Where Did I Come From?" VHS that I had asked for for about 5 years by then. My mom, who typically took 5 minute showers took one that lasted exactly 32min. What a coincidence since the movie was 32min! She came out beat red, wouldn't maintain eye contact and said, "Do you have any questions? No? Good!" That, my friends, was my intro to the birds and the bees. I think I was like 14! The rest sadly I had to learn hands on. Hmmmmmmm no wonder I was pregnant at 17. :-/

All this to say I promised myself when I had kids I would be honest, upfront, and let them lead the pace as far as how much knowledge we give. One night I sent my 9yo to my husband for information (ya know, the whole man-to-man thing) to answer some questions he'd been having. I listened in and I had to intervene when I heard my husband saying something along the lines of, "When 2 people get married they sleep together and the baby fairy comes and..." Oh. My. Stars. He did NOT just go there. We don't do Santa Claus but we're going to start baby fairies? I couldn't do that to my son. He trusted us, is looking to us for the right answers, not just the answers that are easy. So, we talked for hours that night and he really gets it, and the specialness of it as well.

OK so "I dun good" with one, that counts right? So lemme move on....

I've taught my kids the anatomically correct terms for their private.s. I have a lot of friends, whom I adore (do y'all recognize a disclaimer there?) that have a colorful array of odd words for their children. Po, bo-bo, noonie, etc... Very creative and it always makes me chuckle. But we've always been a black-and-white-here's-what-it-is family. It's made for some embarrassing situation in public, "MOMMMMMMMMMMMM my $*&%& itches!!!" Definately not as cute as "my wee-wee" but we lived.

So, I figured I'd just be perfectly honest, all the time when it comes to anything to do with human s.e.x.uality, unlike my mother.

HA! What happened is that the more and more children I have my resolve began to weaken. I held on at first but I knew I was a goner when the kids kept saying loudly, "That tickles my -enter body part here-" as we drove over our favorite bump in the road. (We call it "the bump" and it's my Great Plains children's version of a rollercoaster.) I started to get paranoid that they'd repeat that easily misunderstood phrase somewhere in public, where childless people were waiting to call us in to the Men in Black. So, I tried gingerly at first, "Guys, that's not your (#*$(&, it's your stomach that's tickling." They didn't buy it. They said it was lower than their stomach. So then I had a lightbulb moment. The next time we went over The Bump I said happily, "ooooooh that tickled my kidney!" It worked! Kidney was a new word for most of them, my 9yo knows I'm weird but he usually just plays along. But now, everytime we go on The Bump my 3yo & 5yo squeal, "Whooooooooooooo that tickled my kidney!!!" Works for me!

OK, this last thing I think would qualify me for that Bad Mother of the Week award. I can't help it, my moms genes are STRONG people! My defense system has to rest sometimes! So, my 3yo innocently comes up to me one day, we had been going over this "Good Hugs, Bad Hugs" book that we go over with all the kids at various stages in their life. Knowing they have authority over their own body is important to us and they need to know it's NOT OK for anyone to abuse them. Not that they're ever not by our side but... So, my 3yo comes over to me and says sweetly, "Mommy? If I touch a boys *#$*), will I die?" OK, will it help not to flame me if I told you I think my great grandmother possessed my body at that moment and made me answer the way I did? *sigh* I didn't think so. I told her very matter-of-factly, "Why yes, yes honey you would" Wow that sounds so much more warped after I wrote it down. LOL I looked for signs that she thought she was going to meet her demise but she just happily skipped away. *whew*

OK so my cute little blue-eyed blonde will either remain celibant for life, or become a les.bian.

Raising kids is not easy alright? So tell me what cutesy colorful terms do y'all use on your kids. It always amuses me endlessly. I think bo-bo is my favorite to say outloud.